Intimate Partner Violence

Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual act. Individuals are not obligated to any sexual behavior just because they are in a relationship. Also, often after a bout of violence, the abuser will feel guilt or remorse and want to engage sexually to "put things right." Out of fear of further violence, a target may give in.

Psychological abuse involves attacks on the target’s self-esteem and self-worth. This often takes the form of name calling, manipulation and/or intimidation. Often, after a target’s self-worth has been broken down, he/she may feel responsible for further abuse. Many people believe that as long as a person isn’t being hit, it isn’t that bad. The effects of psychological abuse, however, often last much longer than those of physical abuse.

Economic deprivation occurs either by theft, destruction of property or clinging to traditional values of one person being “the bread winner.”  Again, the effect is that the target has fewer resources and is further under the control of the abuser.

Keep a journal or log of all incidents of physical violence, threats, harassing phone calls, unwanted contacts, missed parenting time, etc. You may also want to include promises your assailant made about getting help or changing his or her behavior.

Take photos or videos of any bruises or injuries and any damage to your home or property, including the date and description of the incident. Provide context for these documentation: e.g., take a close-up photo of any injuries and a farther-away photo to show the injury was sustained by you. Keep copies of any communications, such as texts, emails and voicemails. Write down the name, address and phone number of any witnesses to the violence.

If you have been injured, go to the emergency room, urgent care unit or your doctor. A confidential advocate can accompany you if desired. Medical records may be important evidence in criminal or civil court cases and in obtaining personal protection orders. 

Give all the information you feel safe to give. Medical records are supposed to be confidential and are not given out to anyone but you.

• Identify warning signs of an assault (e.g., drinking, drug use, physical posture). 
• Try to get out before the assault. 
• In the event of an assault, try to move near an exit. 
• Are there any weapons or ammunition in the house? Where? Can you remove them or lock them up?
• Identify ways to call the police, including enlisting the help of children and/or neighbors. 
• Set up a routine where it is normal to leave the house for a short period of time. 
• Collect money and important documents and store them safely, potentially with a neighbor or friend. 
• Reach out for help from family, friends, coworkers and neighbors. 

• The parent with physical possession of the children usually gets temporary custody unless there is an active Child Protective Services case against the assailant. 
• Teach your children how to call 911 and what to do during an assault. 
• Tell personnel at your children's school or daycare what is going on and ensure they know who has permission to pick up your children. 
• Your life, safety and children are most important.
• If you can, bring identification, social security numbers, medical records and insurance, keys, welfare records, financial information, prescription drugs and/or glasses, money, irreplaceable personal effects like photos and your automobile. Clothes and toys are the last priority – and easiest belongings to replace.

• Secure your residence and possessions: Change the locks. Consider additional measures like motion-sensing lights, or even a large dog. Try to live in an apartment complex with an outside door to each building that is locked, and ask neighbors not to buzz in anyone they do not know. Keep your car in a garage if possible. 
• Utilize your personal protection order: Keep a copy of your PPO with you at all times. Give a copy of your PPO and a photo of your abuser to your children's school, any property managers or security personnel at your residence, your boss and coworkers, and your office security.
• Enlist the help of others: Have a friend or family member regularly check on you and have a way to tell them if you're in danger. 
• Conceal your location: Vary your routine (e.g., way you drive to work, stores at which you shop). Use a private post office box and forward your mail there. Be careful who you tell where you are. 
• Secure yourself online: Change your email and social media passwords regularly and avoid posting any information that could reveal your location. 
• Document all contacts with the assailant, as well as any strange occurrences. 

• Inform your boss, coworkers and any office security of your situation, and provide them a copy of your personal protective order and a photo of your assailant. 
• Ask that your calls be screened, your office be locked, and your current address and phone number not be handed out. 
• Carpool to work and/or have security walk you to and from your car. 
• Ask if you can vary your work schedule. 

• If parenting time is ordered by the court, try to have these arrangements made through a third party with whom you feel comfortable. 
• Conduct drop-off and pick-up at a public place (e.g., police station, mall with security) or a third party's home. 
• If the exchange must happen at your home, ask for the custody order to specify that the assailant must wait in the car and cannot come to the door. 
• Try to avoid arriving at or departing the drop-off/pick-up site at the same time as the assailant. 
• Arrange for a supportive, calm and mature friend to be present during the exchange. 
• Have the children ready to go before the assailant arrives. 
• Keep the door locked in case the assailant shows up early. 
• Document all problems with parenting time and report them to the Friend of the Court.